How old are you?

The first time I was asked “How old are you” in Vietnam, I bristled a bit….and hemmed and hawed some type of a response. My inner self said “What the heck?” I thought it was a pretty rude question.

Well, after living and working in Vietnam for three months in 2008 and again in 2010, I now better understand the question and its relationship to a culture that is very different from Western cultures. I think the Asian culture is why I love Vietnam and other SE Asian countries I have visited. Basically, to survive and enjoy this area of the world, I have to let go of my “Western” way of doing things and adapt to life in this area of the world. For a geographer, it is what we love and thrive on!


Bun Cha - one of my favorite Vietnamese Dishes!


Banh Cuon - My second favorite Vietnamese Dish!



Buying Jackfruit.


Typical Vietnamese transportation in Hoi An, Vietnam



From the moment you get off the airplane in Asia, your senses are “assaulted” by life. Forget eating with a fork….chopsticks are the rule. Forget the luxury of drinking water from the tap. Forget hamburgers and other comfort foods you grew up on. Forget shopping at a supermarket. Forget paying fixed prices for anything. Forget waiting for a red light to cross the street. Forget the concept that vehicles follow rules you can understand. Basically you have to let go of all the things that are familiar. I told someone that when I arrive in Asia it is like someone taking a board and whacking me on the side of the head…several times! I am not comfortable ….. UNTIL I LET GO.





I have learned to “let go”…..and embrace the experience of Vietnam. I now understand that the question “How old are you” is not being nosy or rude to the Vietnamese. Rather, their culture is based upon age and respect. Older people are respected and valued. The way you are addressed… older sister, younger sister, aunt, mother, grandmother…. are determined by age and the person’s relationship to you. They want to know my age so they can "place" me in their hierarchy and know how to address me. So I smile and answer their age question with "Tôi sáu mươi ba."

Age + respect is a pretty nice combination—especially when you have gray hair and fall in that age group. When I get on a packed public bus in Hanoi, the money taker usually grabs some young person (not kids…but even people in their 30’s)…yanks them by the collar out of their seat and motions for me to sit. I know that part of this is age…but also is related to my being a “Westerner” on a public bus—which is a rare event in Hanoi. I love the public buses because they are very cheap…they allow me to use my map reading and geographic skills, and I get to see a side of the city that most foreigners don’t experience. I find it part of learning to understand the life and culture of Asia.

After living in Hanoi for quite a few months, I also am no longer amazed by the housing and living conditions that abound in the city. Most people in Vietnam's cities live in very small spaces. My room in the dorm complex was the size of a typical Comfort Inn, Fairfield Inn or other mid-tier motel room in the USA. For Phil and me, it was comfortable and had everything we needed to live.


But for a student who visited me, it was a “honeymoon suite”. In their rooms—just a short 30-40 meters from my room, twelve kids live in a room the same size as my room.



One former student who visited me said that my room was larger than the “house” she, her husband and baby and in-laws shared. This statement summed up what housing is like in Vietnam. Lots of people live in small spaces…..and to some western eyes, the spaces are neither pleasant nor comfortable. But, understanding the importance of family to the Vietnamese is key to understanding the culture. Even though the spaces are small, the family is together. The grandparents care for the children. And in return, their children support and care for them as they grow older. In the US, teenagers can hardly wait to move out of the house and be on their own. In Vietnam, teenagers and children in there twenties and thirties typically try to stay in the family home. The grandparents typically live there….the aunts, uncles and cousins live close by…. And the family units look after each other. When a woman marries, she typically moves in with her husband’s family and they care for her --and conversely she cares for them as they grow older. Thus in Asian cultures, one of the reasons boys are more “valued” is because they are expected to care for their parents as they grow older.

Now, I know that many of my Vietnamese students and friends are reading this blog and are saying….No, not true! I understand that for many students and people living in Hanoi, they are not able to stay with their family. But I do think that deep in their hearts, if they had a choice, they would all be living together. This is not the case in the US. And I believe it is one of the reasons that US society is crumbling….. we do not support nor care for each other. We stick our elderly in nursing homes so we can continue to live our “own” life style. Our children are raised by underpaid daycare workers. We don’t appreciate our extended family…nor do we take any responsibility for helping one another. As I experienced the strong family bonds of my friends and students in Vietnam, I frequently wished that this characteristic was something we “Westerners” cherished.



But – Vietnamese young people also give up a great deal of independence because of their family responsibilities. Growing up, I valued my independence and the freedom to select where I lived and what I did to support myself. I had few of the emotional ties of “family” that are inherent in Asian culture. When I was 21 years old, I moved from my home in Michigan to Colorado. I taught in the public schools and skied and climbed in the mountains on the weekends! I didn’t marry until I was much older—mostly because I loved my freedom! I am not sure that option exists for many Vietnamese women. They marry early—and are expected to have a child (hopefully a boy!) as quickly as possible. They move into their husband’s home and their options for schooling diminish because of their responsibilities to their in-laws. So, Asian vs. Western cultures are very, very different and each has its positives and negatives.

Now I am home…..and trying to switch back to Western culture. I know that much of my discomfort is due to jet lag. I have a horrible time making the twelve-hour adjustment. But it is the little things that are a constant reminder of the life I just left: drinking water from the faucet; going to the grocery store and seeing all of the vegetables and meat sealed in plastic with fixed-price stickers on them; seeing cars all headed in one direction on the road and not making a left hand turn from the far right lane; missing eating with chopsticks and having rice with my meal; putting my sandals away and wearing socks and shoes for the first time in three months; and finally, looking around our house and realizing how much space we have.





Ever since I was a young child, I loved change. I like to be put in challenging situations and see if I can figure out how things work. For me, being a geographer and living and working in different cultures is life at its finest! I love the feeling I get when I am in an unfamiliar place. I get tons of satisfaction figuring out how to use the public buses, buy food in the markets from non-English speaking merchants, and basically learning how to adjust and adapt to life in other areas of the world.

Vietnam now seems like a second home to me. I have “family” there….the friends, colleagues, and students who became so helpful and supportive. I was addressed as their “aunt”, “older sister”, “mother”, “grandmother”. To me these titles were a badge of honor and respect. I loved it and I respect them, their lives and their country.



So….what is next? If the stars, moon and all parts of the universe align correctly, I hope to return next fall.