Vietnamese Wedding!

Last year when I was in Hanoi I worked closely with two students, Duy and Nhung. They both were undergraduate students in the course I taught in 2008. When I returned two years later in 2010, Nhung had finished her Master’s Degree and was one of the translators for my course. This year Duy, who also finished his Master’s Degree, is my translator and is helping me teach the course in addition to keeping the computers and software running.

Duy and Nhung were just colleagues and friends last year. Nhung had a boyfriend and Duy swore that he was going to stay single so he could pursue his PhD. Ha ha….famous words. You all know what happened! They fell in Love….(Sigh!)

I returned to Hanoi a bit earlier this year so I could attend their wedding…..oh my, what a wedding it was!! Or maybe I should say, what a wild series of GREAT parties and good times! I learned a great deal about Vietnamese wedding practices and also more about the Vietnamese culture. I am sure I will not explain everything correctly….but I will try to explain how Vietnamese weddings are structured. I am sure the many Vietnamese friends I have will probably correct me via email, phone messages and Skype once I post this!!!

Anyway….here goes!

Vietnamese Weddings are not one-day affairs with a ceremony and reception as is typically done in the US. Rather, they have a series of important steps they must go through before they can officially say they are “married”. Many Vietnamese marry people from their own village….so usually these steps are done on several consecutive days. But Duy and Nhung’s homes are far, far apart, so they had to compromise a bit on the scheduling of the events.

Step 1: Groom’s family visits Bride’s family
The first step I participated in was going with the groom and his family to the bride’s home. Since Nhung’s home is five hours from Hanoi, the groom’s family rented a 25-passenger bus for the two day “event”. Photo below is of bus…but taken at 6:30am the next morning!



We left Hanoi about 1:30pm and drove to Quang Ninh province…arriving at our Nha Nghi (Guest House) about 6:30pm. We cleaned up and went next door for a family dinner –just the groom’s family and some friends of the groom attended this dinner. Of course we drank lots of beer and rice wine and ate traditional Vietnamese foods.



This is a photo of the cooks who managed to whip up a wonderful dinner in about 15 minutes for about 25 people!



I thought we would all go back to the hotel….but nope, I guess a separate dinner and party was going on at the bride’s house and so we ambled over to her home after our dinner. Duy, the groom, was not allowed because he is not supposed to see his “bride” until the next day. Ha ha…. That rule lasted about 15 minutes. Duy showed up—he said he could hear the music and didn’t want to miss the fun.





We ate more food….and of course drank more….and sang Karaoke! It was quite a party!!! We left about 10pm because we had to be up early for the first step of this multi-stage event.

The next morning I got up very early because Step 1 of this wedding was to take place at exactly 7am! I threw open the wooden window shutters in my room---WOW…what a view! I didn’t realize we were still in the Ha Long Bay area of northern Vietnam which is situated in a huge area of Karst topography.



So…why was the wedding scheduled for 7am?

I have seen huge weddings around Vietnam in the early morning and I wondered what the heck was going on. I learned that the bride and groom consult with a mystic—also called a Geomancer. This person uses the birthday date (such as Nov. 7, 1983) , birth times ( 4:03pm for example) and birthday day of the week (such as Sunday) of the bride and groom—and also consults the stars, moons and whatever else might be around…and using this, he (I think it is a he…but might be a she) determines at what EXACT time Step 1 should take place. When I first heard about the upcoming wedding, I thought it would be in November or December…but after consultation, 7am on September 9th was the day and time!

So at 6:45am on Sept. 9th the whole group of groom’s family and friends were gathered….ready to march to the bride’s house. They had hired some local high school kids to carry all the “gifts” the groom’s family would present to the bride’s family. The procession was led by Duy’s uncle who was acting as Duy’s representative. Next came his father followed by Duy and the rest of his family and close friends (Me!). Duy’s mother did not attend….I guess this is somewhat common. Mother-in-laws sometime are seen as “threats” to the bride and her family and by not coming, no threat!



So….the high school kids carried many, many “gifts” for the bride’s family. Beer, coke, fruit, candy….tons of stuff. Once we arrived at the bride’s house, the guys shot off a bunch of fireworks and we all marched into the house.



The groom presented the gifts to the bride’s family and then he disappeared –I guess ran upstairs to bring her from her room downstairs. But I think some praying to the ancestors was also involved. In a few minutes the bride and groom appeared and more speeches were given by members of both families. Finally the bride and groom poured tea for their parents and for all the guests.



This event lasted for about 1.5 hours…and then we all went back to our hotel to rest for awhile. Around 10:30am we all got onto the bus and drove to a big wedding hall in the town. There we marched in and sat down to a HUGE meal. Oh my, the food was wonderful. Chicken, pork, ham, squid, and a ton of other things. Lots of beer too!



The bride and groom finally arrived and marched down the “main aisle” to a stage. Smoke, bubbles, music and an MC welcomed them to the stage area. It was LOUD!!



There, along with their families, they again poured champagne and toasted each other. They also exchanged rings…but there was no formal church type of activity associated with the exchange of rings. At the end of the meal, we all boarded the bus again, headed back to the hotel, packed up and got ready for the five-hour drive back to Hanoi.

We arrived back in town about 7pm, I was trashed! They invited me to another family dinner that night….but I declined and crawled into my room and bed! It had been a long day and I was still suffering from jetlag!

So…the end of Step 1—and on to the next day of Step 2!

Step 2 of this process was taking the Bride to the Groom’s House. Since the groom lived in a remote area of the country located about 8-9 hours north of Hanoi, they decided to complete the “big meal and celebration” part of this step in Hanoi.

The event was another HUGE dinner held at a restaurant near where I live.





The restaurant is a very fancy “Beer Hoi”…or beer hall. I love this place because they brew a really excellent dark beer and of course, there was plenty for all on the day of the celebration.

We ate…and ate…and ate again! More music followed with a quick exchange of vows and then toasts with all the people at their respective tables. As you can see by this next photo, my tablemates and I were enjoying ourselves...especially since we had finished all the beer in our table jug!



The other interesting thing I learned at this wedding was how the Vietnamese handle “gifts”. Basically, they do not give gifts as we do in the US. Rather, you put money into an envelope and then place this in a large red box. The bride and groom then use this cash to buy whatever they need for their new lives. I think this is a great way to do gifts. No returns….no worrying over what to give….no headaches about mailing or carrying huge packages to the wedding.

Of course Phil and I had no understanding of the wedding process, so we purchased a handmade cutting board at Bluestem in Columbia as a gift for the new couple . It is made with native Missouri wood and we thought that they would think of us each day when they chopped their vegetables. So instead of bringing the gift to the wedding party, I presented it to them later….satisfying my need to give a traditional gift—US style!

So the wedding events for me were finished. But for the Bride and Groom—plus all the family, one more step was needed to complete the ceremony. Everyone boarded an overnight bus the next day and headed north to Duy’s home. There they presented Nhung, the bride to Duy’s family and I think had another celebration and dinner! All I know is that Duy and Nhung and her family returned to Hanoi several days later ---totally exhausted! I think they were finally a bit relieved that the wedding celebration was ALMOST over.

They told me that they had one more step…where someone’s grandparents were introduced to one of their families. At this point, I was totally lost and gave up trying to figure out the progression of activities!

But for future reference if you are ever invited to a Vietnamese Wedding: Give money for a gift. Expect lots of food and for the families—it is a celebration that will last for several days if the bride and groom live far from each other. And finally, be prepared for the “event” to occur at any time of the day or night! Geomancy is the determining factor for the day and time of the big celebration!!!

Needless to say, I had a wonderful time and was so fortunate to be included as part of their “family” and invited to participate in this amazing event.

Stay tuned for Part II: A Honeymoon for three!